[The power to feel hearts made her suitable for a project meant to connect everyone, so humanity could go beyond words. But as he speaks to her, as he touches her hand and guides her back to the friendly cat in her lap, she can't help thinking how unnecessary it was.
Maybe people didn't speak enough in her world.
His voice fills her with a feeling she can't pinpoint. It makes her not want to let go of his hand, at first, because she can't manage to speak. Can't express her gratitude at every single word that tumbles out of his mouth. In her world, she could've shared this feeling with him and she tries to will it towards him. Knowing it's pointless and yet-
Don't feel like you have to be alone all the time and You should not be alone and Just remember that it isn't true and-
For once, she can believe them all. She doesn't have to be because of all the people around her. Because of the cat in her lap. Because of person in front of her that radiates kindness in overwhelming waves. And a part of her realizes-
It happens sometimes
It's because he knows what that's like too. Can understand how it aches out of nowhere, even when you're playing a game of tag or doodling cats on the side of rocks. He gets it.
And she can't muster up a single word to show her appreciation for any of it. She doesn't know how, outside of petting the purring animal in her lap, keeping his friend as content as possible.]
That's right. That kind of thing-it isn't like that anymore.
[It won't be like that ever again. It can't be like that ever again.]
That's how it is now
[People who dole out new clothes and friendly cats and tasty fish. That's how it can be for Seto. How it can be for her, for awhile longer.]
Your heart is-
[Something she can't see and yet, she doesn't need that clarity to know-to say these next two, dumb words with absolute confidence.]
[She's wrong. Ichimatsu knows it intimately: his heart is fragile, easily battered, but it's not pretty at all. It's thorned and edged with glass and hidden under horrible things. But somewhere along the way, he's convinced her of something different, and a part of him can't help but wonder what that means.]
[Did he trick a sheltered, innocent girl into thinking he's a decent person? Or is there something in him he can't see?]
[... it doesn't matter. Because this isn't about him. He doesn't want it to be about him. Ren is young and even though she looks fragile herself, she must have a whole life ahead of her. Maybe with Seto, whenever the bastard shows up. If Ichimatsu can help steer her towards something better than the future he's allotted for himself, then that's all that he'll ask for.]
[If he can help keep her from being lonely -- even if it's just to teach her that sometimes, you can't help it, and that's fine -- then maybe there's someone in this world whose life he really did impact for the better.]
[His heart is pretty. He replays the words in his head again. And he realizes with a slow start and a swallow that sticks in his throat how close he is to crying.]
[But Ichimatsu, even though he's trash, isn't the kind of trash who'll cry in front of little girls. He shakes his head suddenly, trying to dispel the heavy cloak of emotion, and smiles at Ren with as much serene confidence as he's capable of mustering.]
[She thinks his heart is pretty? It must be easy to think things like that, when you're a good person. Ichimatsu is willing to bet that Seto's heart -- it must be beautiful.]
[It's the first time she's given a compliment that she doesn't immediately try to dispel and give back to the person who offered it. Cats understand the hearts of people better than anyone-better than her, than scientists, and even other kids in the lab. Cats get it and if he says that, then she doesn't have a retort.
It's the first time she can accept those words without question and she doesn't need to hold his hand to feel a warmth that surges through her entire body.
Even if something is wrong with her-something bad that makes her heart want to stop beating or beat too fast-it doesn't matter because Murasaki saw something pretty in it. She always wondered why she was pushed away from the project, even though she didn't want to be a part of it to begin with. She assumed they saw something bad in it-in her. Something that didn't work, that needed fixed, that couldn't be useful, that wasn't warm enough, that could only be useful as a last resort for someone who wanted to hurt others, but-
Her heart is still pretty to a cat. If he can see something in her-the her that existed before her body was altered with pills and tests. Maybe the her that exists despite that, that's enough to make her smile.
Cats would know, is all she thinks. They saw a pretty heart in Seto too and that's something she could never argue with.]
Thank you.
[It doesn't express the extent of how she feels from his kind words and it feels lacking, even as they come out of her mouth.
And maybe-
She leans forward, one hand pressing onto ESP kitty's back to keep him in place on her lap, while the other reaches for the top of Ichimatsu's head. If she's allowed to, she's going to pet him. Because that's how you show cats you love them. And right now, she wants to give him a few little head pats.]
You're a good boy, Murasaki-chan.
Edited (forgot the most important part lordy lord) 2017-12-27 18:51 (UTC)
[She keeps -- saying these things. How he has a pretty heart or he's a good boy, and it hurts to hear because of how nice it feels, like cool water running over scorched skin. It's hard, because he has to keep reminding himself that it's not true. He knows exactly every way he is lacking in what good people like Ren think of him.]
[If she were Jyushimatsu, he'd be correcting her right now. That's the only real difference he can discern between them; in the quality of their kindness. That there's something in Ren's... even the self-proclaimed unburnable garbage Ichimatsu won't defy. Because Jyushimatsu's kindness is a wall, an impenetrable wall with a door that only swings outwards. Ren's is -- something different.]
[A window, maybe; facing the sun. His harsh words won't bounce back. He wouldn't dare throw them.]
[So she reaches out for him, and his eyes fall to the ground shyly, his shoulders and head drawing down. It might look like he's shrinking from her touch at first, but he leans towards her, so she doesn't have to reach so far -- and the moment her palm brushes against his head, two ash-gray ears spring up from his hair, flicking playfully in her direction. It's embarrassing... but... she likes it, doesn't she? So he doesn't mind.]
[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Maybe she can hear the soft rumble moving through his chest, almost like a purr.]
[Ichimatsu doesn't have much merit as a person -- but cats have their own ways of admitting their love.]
[There's a huge swell of pride that blooms in her chest and explodes throughout her whole body when he leans into her touch and his cute ears pop out. She can remember a time when he hissed at her-when she tried to earn his trust by dragging him to the beach to catch a meal with her bare hands. When she resorted to feeding him grass and he accepted it in his own way-the way that makes her realize he's her favorite. She remembers the hot sun beating down on them and his kind instruction on how to play music on the grass, instead of using it as food.
She's so happy.
He trusts her. His days of kitty denial are over, though he stopped arguing the point long ago. The gentle purr makes her feel secure enough to shut her eyes, following suit with a quiet hum of her own.
It's safe here. It's safe with him. She doesn't have to worry about a creature sneaking up on them because the purr is a barrier that's going to keep dangerous monsters at bay. Her hum can be the backup that protects him. She can relax-scratch his little gray ears with one hand and pet ESP kitty with other.
Because right now, nothing can hurt her. Nothing can hurt them. They're safe in this little bubble they've created on the grassy hillside where they normally play. Where they spend time looking out into the ocean and whistling with little pieces of grass until the sky gets dark.
And maybe today, they can do this instead. She can spend the afternoon protected by this feeling and quietly hope it's washing over him as well.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Maybe people didn't speak enough in her world.
His voice fills her with a feeling she can't pinpoint. It makes her not want to let go of his hand, at first, because she can't manage to speak. Can't express her gratitude at every single word that tumbles out of his mouth. In her world, she could've shared this feeling with him and she tries to will it towards him. Knowing it's pointless and yet-
Don't feel like you have to be alone all the time and You should not be alone and Just remember that it isn't true and-
For once, she can believe them all. She doesn't have to be because of all the people around her. Because of the cat in her lap. Because of person in front of her that radiates kindness in overwhelming waves. And a part of her realizes-
It happens sometimes
It's because he knows what that's like too. Can understand how it aches out of nowhere, even when you're playing a game of tag or doodling cats on the side of rocks. He gets it.
And she can't muster up a single word to show her appreciation for any of it. She doesn't know how, outside of petting the purring animal in her lap, keeping his friend as content as possible.]
That's right. That kind of thing-it isn't like that anymore.
[It won't be like that ever again. It can't be like that ever again.]
That's how it is now
[People who dole out new clothes and friendly cats and tasty fish. That's how it can be for Seto. How it can be for her, for awhile longer.]
Your heart is-
[Something she can't see and yet, she doesn't need that clarity to know-to say these next two, dumb words with absolute confidence.]
Very pretty.
no subject
very pretty.]
[...]
[She's wrong. Ichimatsu knows it intimately: his heart is fragile, easily battered, but it's not pretty at all. It's thorned and edged with glass and hidden under horrible things. But somewhere along the way, he's convinced her of something different, and a part of him can't help but wonder what that means.]
[Did he trick a sheltered, innocent girl into thinking he's a decent person? Or is there something in him he can't see?]
[... it doesn't matter. Because this isn't about him. He doesn't want it to be about him. Ren is young and even though she looks fragile herself, she must have a whole life ahead of her. Maybe with Seto, whenever the bastard shows up. If Ichimatsu can help steer her towards something better than the future he's allotted for himself, then that's all that he'll ask for.]
[If he can help keep her from being lonely -- even if it's just to teach her that sometimes, you can't help it, and that's fine -- then maybe there's someone in this world whose life he really did impact for the better.]
[His heart is pretty. He replays the words in his head again. And he realizes with a slow start and a swallow that sticks in his throat how close he is to crying.]
[But Ichimatsu, even though he's trash, isn't the kind of trash who'll cry in front of little girls. He shakes his head suddenly, trying to dispel the heavy cloak of emotion, and smiles at Ren with as much serene confidence as he's capable of mustering.]
[She thinks his heart is pretty? It must be easy to think things like that, when you're a good person. Ichimatsu is willing to bet that Seto's heart -- it must be beautiful.]
Ren-chan's is prettier.
She loves cats, after all.
no subject
It's the first time she can accept those words without question and she doesn't need to hold his hand to feel a warmth that surges through her entire body.
Even if something is wrong with her-something bad that makes her heart want to stop beating or beat too fast-it doesn't matter because Murasaki saw something pretty in it. She always wondered why she was pushed away from the project, even though she didn't want to be a part of it to begin with. She assumed they saw something bad in it-in her. Something that didn't work, that needed fixed, that couldn't be useful, that wasn't warm enough, that could only be useful as a last resort for someone who wanted to hurt others, but-
Her heart is still pretty to a cat. If he can see something in her-the her that existed before her body was altered with pills and tests. Maybe the her that exists despite that, that's enough to make her smile.
Cats would know, is all she thinks. They saw a pretty heart in Seto too and that's something she could never argue with.]
Thank you.
[It doesn't express the extent of how she feels from his kind words and it feels lacking, even as they come out of her mouth.
And maybe-
She leans forward, one hand pressing onto ESP kitty's back to keep him in place on her lap, while the other reaches for the top of Ichimatsu's head. If she's allowed to, she's going to pet him. Because that's how you show cats you love them. And right now, she wants to give him a few little head pats.]
You're a good boy, Murasaki-chan.
no subject
[She keeps -- saying these things. How he has a pretty heart or he's a good boy, and it hurts to hear because of how nice it feels, like cool water running over scorched skin. It's hard, because he has to keep reminding himself that it's not true. He knows exactly every way he is lacking in what good people like Ren think of him.]
[If she were Jyushimatsu, he'd be correcting her right now. That's the only real difference he can discern between them; in the quality of their kindness. That there's something in Ren's... even the self-proclaimed unburnable garbage Ichimatsu won't defy. Because Jyushimatsu's kindness is a wall, an impenetrable wall with a door that only swings outwards. Ren's is -- something different.]
[A window, maybe; facing the sun. His harsh words won't bounce back. He wouldn't dare throw them.]
[So she reaches out for him, and his eyes fall to the ground shyly, his shoulders and head drawing down. It might look like he's shrinking from her touch at first, but he leans towards her, so she doesn't have to reach so far -- and the moment her palm brushes against his head, two ash-gray ears spring up from his hair, flicking playfully in her direction. It's embarrassing... but... she likes it, doesn't she? So he doesn't mind.]
[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Maybe she can hear the soft rumble moving through his chest, almost like a purr.]
[Ichimatsu doesn't have much merit as a person -- but cats have their own ways of admitting their love.]
no subject
She's so happy.
He trusts her. His days of kitty denial are over, though he stopped arguing the point long ago. The gentle purr makes her feel secure enough to shut her eyes, following suit with a quiet hum of her own.
It's safe here. It's safe with him. She doesn't have to worry about a creature sneaking up on them because the purr is a barrier that's going to keep dangerous monsters at bay. Her hum can be the backup that protects him. She can relax-scratch his little gray ears with one hand and pet ESP kitty with other.
Because right now, nothing can hurt her. Nothing can hurt them. They're safe in this little bubble they've created on the grassy hillside where they normally play. Where they spend time looking out into the ocean and whistling with little pieces of grass until the sky gets dark.
And maybe today, they can do this instead. She can spend the afternoon protected by this feeling and quietly hope it's washing over him as well.]