[It's hard to deny how happy it makes her feel when he says that and it's clear in the way she straightens up and smiles that it made her feel good. Really good.
She could tell the cats trusted her when they let her stay in their secret spots. When they would curl up by her arms and legs in houses infested with angry spirits. Hearing it out loud is different. It's a power in itself and gives her a boost of confidence in this minor, tiny area.
And she relishes every second his fuzzy little face touches her fingers, scratching behind his ears and under his chin. Good boy, best boy. She's going to be here all day, honestly. It would be for the best if Ichimatsu just resigns to the fact he's got a new daily companion now because she even scoots over to sit directly next to him. ]
[Haha... she thinks so, huh? Ichimatsu is pretty sure that "safe" is the very last thing his aura could be described as, but then, it's always been a little different for cats. If he's being truthful, it makes him a little bit proud to hear that from her. In her own way, Ren is a little bit like a cat herself -- she's honest inside and out. There's never a reason not to believe she's being sincere.]
[It really is nice, spending time with someone safe.]
[But that brings him back around to his entire reason for bringing ESP Kitty to her in the first place. His smile fades; not enough to drop off his face, but turns a bit tight at the corner. Slowly, he reaches out for ESP -- his hand hesitating in midair, as if afraid to invade her personal bubble, before he gingerly runs his fingers across the cat's back.]
... yeah.
[Ichimatsu thinks he likes this. The two of them being happy.]
Yes, what does Murasaki want? Food? A warm blanket?
[For anyone else, there would be hesitation in her response and an immediate request to know what before she took the plunge. But there's no need with him. A cat wouldn't request anything dangerous of her, specifically him, she thinks. Not when he was so cautious during the monkey attack and told her to walk straight home when it was safe to do so.
And she can gather what a cat may need this time of day. A nice meal. A bed to nap on. She can get both of those things in a heartbeat, if he wants it.
While she waits for his response, she presses her finger against the cat's paw to give him a little paw pat. So cute. So precious. Cats are perfect.]
[He shakes his head and swallows nervously. Now that they're at the crux of the conversation, he's suddenly nervous as all hell, and he doesn't know why. It's not like she's gonna reject him, right... ? No way, of course not. As long as he convinces her that it's the best thing for ESP, he's sure she'll agree.]
[It's just... he's never had to rely on someone else like this before. To take care of his beloved cat friends. It's so easy to imagine anything going wrong, starting from the worry that she'd rightly return a request from trash like him down.]
[But it's Ren-chan. If he's going to have faith in anyone outside of his brothers -- no more than them, when it comes to this -- it'd be her.]
P-please... um...
[Ichimatsu gulps and throws himself down into a formal bow, possibly narrowly avoiding headbutting Ren in the process.]
C-can you take ESP Kitty in? Look after him! F-for me!
Isn't what she expects to hear and having to dodge his head as it barrels to the ground makes her instinctively reach out to protect him from bumping it against the dirt. If he doesn't move away and lets her, she's going to press her hands against either side of his head, above his ears. Don't mcmurder yourself friend. She remembers people bowing to each other, knows it has to do with respect and requests, but she's never been on the receiving end of one. She thought it was a motion reserved for scientists and doctors. It takes her a second to catch up.
And when she does-
She doesn't have a problem with it. Would never take issue with a request like this. It warms her heart in a way she can't describe. It's the same feeling she had when mother cats would carry their kittens over to her. That level of trust is something she takes seriously and she has to bite back the yes that nearly tumbles out of her mouth. Because there's something important she has to ask first. ]
[Still bowed low to the ground, it takes all of Ichimatsu's willpower not to leap back at the feeling of two small hands settling against his hair; he hadn't been expecting it at all. The surprise is enough that two ash-gray ears spring up from the top of his head, flattening almost immediately in embarrassment, and he curls his tail tightly around his knees. Damn it... he didn't want that to happen here. It feels like he's trying to manipulate her into saying 'yes' or something.]
[Past his surprise, he tries to take in her question. Won't he get lonely? Haha... his eyes lift just barely, just enough to see ESP Kitty sitting placidly in her lap. The little cat's strange name isn't coincidence -- he'd once had the ability to read a person's true emotions through whatever they said. How had he once interpreted Ichimatsu... ?]
['Ah, I'm so lonely.']
[...]
[Very slowly, Ichimatsu rises from his bow. His hands shake as he lifts them, places them over Ren's, pulls them down from his head so that he can sit up straight. His eyes remain fixated on her hands, as though silently marveling that she's touched him; that he's touching her back.]
... nah. I've got Beni-niisan and Hanada-niisan. And... uh... Ren-chan.
[If she hasn't pulled away already, he lets her hands go.]
[It's hard for her to resist running her fingers over his gray ears because it's okay is something she wants to express to him. The way he's curling up, like he's trying to hide from her, is something she doesn't understand. But he's a shy cat. One that can get grumpy when he's hungry and only has flakes of sugar between his paws. A cat that doesn't worry about grooming himself or think about how his feet hurt against the rough ground because his first concern is her getting home.
A very good boy.
She doesn't move her hands until he grasps them and keeps her fingers tight around his for as long as he allows. It's enough he finally held her hand for that moment. It makes her happy.]
And ESP kitty too.
[Because it's not goodbye.
And she doesn't need to feel his heart to understand that this hurts him. He's losing his friend. Asking her to take care of a companion that could've given him comfort after monkey attacks and scary nights alone and it's-
A way to feel safe and have a constant source of comfort in the form of a friend that should be staying by his side. She knows the cat belongs in his lap, not hers. Belongs outside his house, not outside her shared tent. Knows his soft purr should be there for Ichimatsu to hear in the morning.
It's why a real answer is hard to muster up, though she was eager only seconds before. She knows the cat should be with Ichimatsu. Definitely wants to say it. But the purr reaches her ear and her fingers don't stop stroking the cat's soft back. She doesn't move to push the cat away and instead, shuts her eyes for a moment.
It makes her think if she keeps them closed and turns her head, just a bit, Seto might be right next to her. With a toy, a warm hand, and a smile that reminds her of the first day they met because he was always happy to see her.
It's a nice feeling.]
If it starts to hurt and you get very lonely, it's okay. I'll come find you. [Pause] We'll come find you.
[Her eyes open and her fingers stop stroking the cat's back because she wants to reach out for Ichimatsu's hand, just one more time. If he lets her, she doesn't do much-just rests her hand over his, not grasping it or trying to intertwine their fingers. She just wants to let him know he never has to be alone either. She's got a warm hand too that he can reach out for at any time.]
Thank you, Murasaki.
[And then-]
Murasaki-chan.
[GOOD BOYS DESERVE GOOD, INAPPROPRIATE HONORFICS.]
[He knew that, obviously. It's part of what's made him so determined not to act so much like himself when he's around her - because she's such a good kid. He's looked at her and seen the things that seem bright, the same sort of blinding goodness that he's seen in his little brother, but she's different. Jyushimatsu is stronger than the sum of Ichimatsu; he doesn't need anyone's protection. And as good a kid as Ren is, Ichimatsu is sure that she doesn't need his, either; she must have so many people far better suited for the job looking out for her already. Good people attract that sort of want in others.]
[But, she likes cats. Sometimes she feels like she needs a safe place to hide. Sometimes she's felt ghosts, and maybe she's spent some time in a lonely place. He doesn't know for sure; he's only picked up a few things. But in the end, if it's true, those are things Ichimatsu can understand.]
[Mostly, he'd be worried about her ending up like him. That would be something worth protecting her from, something more insidious than murder-monkeys or ghosts. But she touches his hand again and he stares down at her tiny fingers, and he knows there's no way that'd ever happen. She'd never end up down that path.]
[She's just too good.]
[And like Jyushimatsu, like Ren, good people see the dying flickers of good in others that no one else would ever bother looking for. Good kids are always reaching out, always coming to find you, just because maybe you were nice to them a few times. It's such a waste, he can't help thinking, uncurling his tail to let it withdraw back beneath his sweater. It would be so much better for all the good people in the world to just put themselves ahead of others for once. But he knows they never will.]
[So, maybe... he's a little bit glad for this after all.]
[If she's going to reach out to people like him no matter what, then Ichimatsu doesn't mind being one of them.]
[A bit shakily, he reaches his other hand over and rests it atop hers in turn, a crooked smile winding across his mouth. He's utterly embarrassed by the physical contact, and his heart nearly stills in his chest when he registers the honorific attached to his name. A red tint furiously washes over his face, and he gives a low, rumbling chuckle that shakes him down to his stomach.]
[Why is he letting her sit here, reassuring him?]
... don't thank me. You're the one doing me a favor, remember?
...
Sometimes... even if you have someone else... e-even if you have cats... you feel lonely anyway, right? Has that ever happened to you, Ren-chan?
[She never forgets she's going to die soon, but it's not at the forefront of her mind anymore. It's not the first thing she remembers when she finds a nice trinket to shove into her bag-that it won't be in her possession long. She doesn't think about it when she's grass whistling with Murasaki-that one day he'll be playing that tune alone.
Because it's warm here. It's fun. There are hands grabbing her whenever she feels cold and scared and lonely. There are people and cats and elves and giant mice and kind rabbits scattered across the island at any given second. There's a man who lets her wear sunglasses, a kind elf that braids flowers in her hair, a child that holds her hand around weird glowing pools, a brave girl that understands what it means to miss a cat, and above it all, a cat that indulges her every whim. That sits with her. That talks with her. That lets her hold his friends and tells her stories about his brothers whenever she asks.
When she looks at all them, remembers them, she doesn't need to remember that she's dying because for once, she's so happy to be alive. Her heart pounds too fast because she's playing tag with pokemon, not because she's going to pass out. She's tired at night because she spent all day being around others, not because her disease is catching up to her.
So when he asks that question, her smile doesn't falter, but there's definitely something in her expression that softens in a sad way. Because the loneliest she ever felt wasn't when the children had died, wasn't when the world became completely empty and her life was in the hands of a bitter ghost trying to make it emptier.
It was when Seto found out about her illness. When he stopped listening to her. When he became driven and focused on finding a relief for her that she knew was only temporary no matter how many bottles they found. When he stopped smiling at her. When he was sitting right by her side, but he wasn't there at all.]
It was always that way before-
['Do you think I'm going to die soon?']
Before Seto. It was that way. Every day.
[Wandering around the empty houses, sleeping around piles of broken glass from pictures of families she's only ever read about in picture books.]
Before coming here, it was like that. I was-
[Lonely. Scared. Anxious. Worried. Words she could normally share easily with a cat, and yet she finds herself stumbling and instead-]
I'm very happy now. Because of Murasaki-chan it's not like that anymore.
Edited (cHANGED WORDS BC I DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT also bc it makes sense this way and not the other way thanks coffee a+) 2017-12-04 18:27 (UTC)
[He knew Seto was important to her, given how much she talks about him. How she's learning to whistle on a blade of grass for him. How she asked Ichimatsu to make onigiri for him. How everything, all avenues of her joy, inevitably lead back to Seto. But studying the soft, saddened look in her eyes, it occurs to Ichimatsu that he might have underestimated just how important Seto is. As much of a loner as he's always been, he's had his brothers. Five of them. She's... maybe he's wrong, but it sounds like she's only ever had Seto.]
[Heh.]
[At his worst, Ichimatsu is a jealous and vindictive man. He's the sort of vile person who interrupts happy couples for existing in the same vicinity as him; the kind of guy who whispers curses under his breath at his own brother for daring to project more confidence than he himself is capable of. It would be easy to imagine that, inevitably, he'll lose to Seto - to some guy he's never even met. He'll come for her, and she'll forget all about Ichimatsu, and she'll be so much better off.]
[It would be easy, but for once in his worthless life, Ichimatsu isn't jealous at all.]
[Because maybe she's felt the way he has before, sunk in an unidentified loneliness. Where there might be someone within reach, but still so far away, as if they're not real and never were - as if surrounded by ghosts. That's been his whole life, and he hates the idea that it might have been hers. So if it isn't anymore...]
[He's happy for her. He really is, Ichimatsu realizes with a slow burn of warmth, picking up her hand between his. If she's not lonely that way anymore, then he doesn't care who it is helping her. It doesn't matter if it's Seto or if it's... if it's...]
... me, huh... ?
[It doesn't matter, as long as she's happy now. But it feels nice to be told that.]
[ESP Kitty yawns widely in Ren's lap, kneading his paws against her legs before curling up sleepily. If she allows him to, Ichimatsu gently guides her hand down to ESP's head.]
Well, that's good. But he'll keep you company now, too.
... and... listen.
[Ichimatsu's gaze lingers on the cat for a few seconds. Then he finally looks up at Ren again, his expression softening. He doesn't think she'll end up like him. But, just in case...]
If you do ever feel that way again - lonely, even though you don't have any real reason... that's fine, too. It happens sometimes. Just remember that it isn't true.
[The power to feel hearts made her suitable for a project meant to connect everyone, so humanity could go beyond words. But as he speaks to her, as he touches her hand and guides her back to the friendly cat in her lap, she can't help thinking how unnecessary it was.
Maybe people didn't speak enough in her world.
His voice fills her with a feeling she can't pinpoint. It makes her not want to let go of his hand, at first, because she can't manage to speak. Can't express her gratitude at every single word that tumbles out of his mouth. In her world, she could've shared this feeling with him and she tries to will it towards him. Knowing it's pointless and yet-
Don't feel like you have to be alone all the time and You should not be alone and Just remember that it isn't true and-
For once, she can believe them all. She doesn't have to be because of all the people around her. Because of the cat in her lap. Because of person in front of her that radiates kindness in overwhelming waves. And a part of her realizes-
It happens sometimes
It's because he knows what that's like too. Can understand how it aches out of nowhere, even when you're playing a game of tag or doodling cats on the side of rocks. He gets it.
And she can't muster up a single word to show her appreciation for any of it. She doesn't know how, outside of petting the purring animal in her lap, keeping his friend as content as possible.]
That's right. That kind of thing-it isn't like that anymore.
[It won't be like that ever again. It can't be like that ever again.]
That's how it is now
[People who dole out new clothes and friendly cats and tasty fish. That's how it can be for Seto. How it can be for her, for awhile longer.]
Your heart is-
[Something she can't see and yet, she doesn't need that clarity to know-to say these next two, dumb words with absolute confidence.]
[She's wrong. Ichimatsu knows it intimately: his heart is fragile, easily battered, but it's not pretty at all. It's thorned and edged with glass and hidden under horrible things. But somewhere along the way, he's convinced her of something different, and a part of him can't help but wonder what that means.]
[Did he trick a sheltered, innocent girl into thinking he's a decent person? Or is there something in him he can't see?]
[... it doesn't matter. Because this isn't about him. He doesn't want it to be about him. Ren is young and even though she looks fragile herself, she must have a whole life ahead of her. Maybe with Seto, whenever the bastard shows up. If Ichimatsu can help steer her towards something better than the future he's allotted for himself, then that's all that he'll ask for.]
[If he can help keep her from being lonely -- even if it's just to teach her that sometimes, you can't help it, and that's fine -- then maybe there's someone in this world whose life he really did impact for the better.]
[His heart is pretty. He replays the words in his head again. And he realizes with a slow start and a swallow that sticks in his throat how close he is to crying.]
[But Ichimatsu, even though he's trash, isn't the kind of trash who'll cry in front of little girls. He shakes his head suddenly, trying to dispel the heavy cloak of emotion, and smiles at Ren with as much serene confidence as he's capable of mustering.]
[She thinks his heart is pretty? It must be easy to think things like that, when you're a good person. Ichimatsu is willing to bet that Seto's heart -- it must be beautiful.]
[It's the first time she's given a compliment that she doesn't immediately try to dispel and give back to the person who offered it. Cats understand the hearts of people better than anyone-better than her, than scientists, and even other kids in the lab. Cats get it and if he says that, then she doesn't have a retort.
It's the first time she can accept those words without question and she doesn't need to hold his hand to feel a warmth that surges through her entire body.
Even if something is wrong with her-something bad that makes her heart want to stop beating or beat too fast-it doesn't matter because Murasaki saw something pretty in it. She always wondered why she was pushed away from the project, even though she didn't want to be a part of it to begin with. She assumed they saw something bad in it-in her. Something that didn't work, that needed fixed, that couldn't be useful, that wasn't warm enough, that could only be useful as a last resort for someone who wanted to hurt others, but-
Her heart is still pretty to a cat. If he can see something in her-the her that existed before her body was altered with pills and tests. Maybe the her that exists despite that, that's enough to make her smile.
Cats would know, is all she thinks. They saw a pretty heart in Seto too and that's something she could never argue with.]
Thank you.
[It doesn't express the extent of how she feels from his kind words and it feels lacking, even as they come out of her mouth.
And maybe-
She leans forward, one hand pressing onto ESP kitty's back to keep him in place on her lap, while the other reaches for the top of Ichimatsu's head. If she's allowed to, she's going to pet him. Because that's how you show cats you love them. And right now, she wants to give him a few little head pats.]
You're a good boy, Murasaki-chan.
Edited (forgot the most important part lordy lord) 2017-12-27 18:51 (UTC)
[She keeps -- saying these things. How he has a pretty heart or he's a good boy, and it hurts to hear because of how nice it feels, like cool water running over scorched skin. It's hard, because he has to keep reminding himself that it's not true. He knows exactly every way he is lacking in what good people like Ren think of him.]
[If she were Jyushimatsu, he'd be correcting her right now. That's the only real difference he can discern between them; in the quality of their kindness. That there's something in Ren's... even the self-proclaimed unburnable garbage Ichimatsu won't defy. Because Jyushimatsu's kindness is a wall, an impenetrable wall with a door that only swings outwards. Ren's is -- something different.]
[A window, maybe; facing the sun. His harsh words won't bounce back. He wouldn't dare throw them.]
[So she reaches out for him, and his eyes fall to the ground shyly, his shoulders and head drawing down. It might look like he's shrinking from her touch at first, but he leans towards her, so she doesn't have to reach so far -- and the moment her palm brushes against his head, two ash-gray ears spring up from his hair, flicking playfully in her direction. It's embarrassing... but... she likes it, doesn't she? So he doesn't mind.]
[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Maybe she can hear the soft rumble moving through his chest, almost like a purr.]
[Ichimatsu doesn't have much merit as a person -- but cats have their own ways of admitting their love.]
[There's a huge swell of pride that blooms in her chest and explodes throughout her whole body when he leans into her touch and his cute ears pop out. She can remember a time when he hissed at her-when she tried to earn his trust by dragging him to the beach to catch a meal with her bare hands. When she resorted to feeding him grass and he accepted it in his own way-the way that makes her realize he's her favorite. She remembers the hot sun beating down on them and his kind instruction on how to play music on the grass, instead of using it as food.
She's so happy.
He trusts her. His days of kitty denial are over, though he stopped arguing the point long ago. The gentle purr makes her feel secure enough to shut her eyes, following suit with a quiet hum of her own.
It's safe here. It's safe with him. She doesn't have to worry about a creature sneaking up on them because the purr is a barrier that's going to keep dangerous monsters at bay. Her hum can be the backup that protects him. She can relax-scratch his little gray ears with one hand and pet ESP kitty with other.
Because right now, nothing can hurt her. Nothing can hurt them. They're safe in this little bubble they've created on the grassy hillside where they normally play. Where they spend time looking out into the ocean and whistling with little pieces of grass until the sky gets dark.
And maybe today, they can do this instead. She can spend the afternoon protected by this feeling and quietly hope it's washing over him as well.]
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no subject
[It's hard to deny how happy it makes her feel when he says that and it's clear in the way she straightens up and smiles that it made her feel good. Really good.
She could tell the cats trusted her when they let her stay in their secret spots. When they would curl up by her arms and legs in houses infested with angry spirits. Hearing it out loud is different. It's a power in itself and gives her a boost of confidence in this minor, tiny area.
And she relishes every second his fuzzy little face touches her fingers, scratching behind his ears and under his chin. Good boy, best boy. She's going to be here all day, honestly. It would be for the best if Ichimatsu just resigns to the fact he's got a new daily companion now because she even scoots over to sit directly next to him. ]
Can you hear his purr? He's happy. Very happy.
[HE'S HAPPY AND SO IS SHE]
no subject
[It really is nice, spending time with someone safe.]
[But that brings him back around to his entire reason for bringing ESP Kitty to her in the first place. His smile fades; not enough to drop off his face, but turns a bit tight at the corner. Slowly, he reaches out for ESP -- his hand hesitating in midair, as if afraid to invade her personal bubble, before he gingerly runs his fingers across the cat's back.]
... yeah.
[Ichimatsu thinks he likes this. The two of them being happy.]
... can Ren-chan do something for me?
no subject
[For anyone else, there would be hesitation in her response and an immediate request to know what before she took the plunge. But there's no need with him. A cat wouldn't request anything dangerous of her, specifically him, she thinks. Not when he was so cautious during the monkey attack and told her to walk straight home when it was safe to do so.
And she can gather what a cat may need this time of day. A nice meal. A bed to nap on. She can get both of those things in a heartbeat, if he wants it.
While she waits for his response, she presses her finger against the cat's paw to give him a little paw pat. So cute. So precious. Cats are perfect.]
no subject
[It's just... he's never had to rely on someone else like this before. To take care of his beloved cat friends. It's so easy to imagine anything going wrong, starting from the worry that she'd rightly return a request from trash like him down.]
[But it's Ren-chan. If he's going to have faith in anyone outside of his brothers -- no more than them, when it comes to this -- it'd be her.]
P-please... um...
[Ichimatsu gulps and throws himself down into a formal bow, possibly narrowly avoiding headbutting Ren in the process.]
C-can you take ESP Kitty in? Look after him! F-for me!
no subject
Isn't what she expects to hear and having to dodge his head as it barrels to the ground makes her instinctively reach out to protect him from bumping it against the dirt. If he doesn't move away and lets her, she's going to press her hands against either side of his head, above his ears. Don't mcmurder yourself friend. She remembers people bowing to each other, knows it has to do with respect and requests, but she's never been on the receiving end of one. She thought it was a motion reserved for scientists and doctors. It takes her a second to catch up.
And when she does-
She doesn't have a problem with it. Would never take issue with a request like this. It warms her heart in a way she can't describe. It's the same feeling she had when mother cats would carry their kittens over to her. That level of trust is something she takes seriously and she has to bite back the yes that nearly tumbles out of her mouth. Because there's something important she has to ask first. ]
Won't Murasaki get very lonely?
no subject
[Past his surprise, he tries to take in her question. Won't he get lonely? Haha... his eyes lift just barely, just enough to see ESP Kitty sitting placidly in her lap. The little cat's strange name isn't coincidence -- he'd once had the ability to read a person's true emotions through whatever they said. How had he once interpreted Ichimatsu... ?]
['Ah, I'm so lonely.']
[...]
[Very slowly, Ichimatsu rises from his bow. His hands shake as he lifts them, places them over Ren's, pulls them down from his head so that he can sit up straight. His eyes remain fixated on her hands, as though silently marveling that she's touched him; that he's touching her back.]
... nah. I've got Beni-niisan and Hanada-niisan. And... uh... Ren-chan.
[If she hasn't pulled away already, he lets her hands go.]
no subject
A very good boy.
She doesn't move her hands until he grasps them and keeps her fingers tight around his for as long as he allows. It's enough he finally held her hand for that moment. It makes her happy.]
And ESP kitty too.
[Because it's not goodbye.
And she doesn't need to feel his heart to understand that this hurts him. He's losing his friend. Asking her to take care of a companion that could've given him comfort after monkey attacks and scary nights alone and it's-
A way to feel safe and have a constant source of comfort in the form of a friend that should be staying by his side. She knows the cat belongs in his lap, not hers. Belongs outside his house, not outside her shared tent. Knows his soft purr should be there for Ichimatsu to hear in the morning.
It's why a real answer is hard to muster up, though she was eager only seconds before. She knows the cat should be with Ichimatsu. Definitely wants to say it. But the purr reaches her ear and her fingers don't stop stroking the cat's soft back. She doesn't move to push the cat away and instead, shuts her eyes for a moment.
It makes her think if she keeps them closed and turns her head, just a bit, Seto might be right next to her. With a toy, a warm hand, and a smile that reminds her of the first day they met because he was always happy to see her.
It's a nice feeling.]
If it starts to hurt and you get very lonely, it's okay. I'll come find you. [Pause] We'll come find you.
[Her eyes open and her fingers stop stroking the cat's back because she wants to reach out for Ichimatsu's hand, just one more time. If he lets her, she doesn't do much-just rests her hand over his, not grasping it or trying to intertwine their fingers. She just wants to let him know he never has to be alone either. She's got a warm hand too that he can reach out for at any time.]
Thank you, Murasaki.
[And then-]
Murasaki-chan.
[GOOD BOYS DESERVE GOOD, INAPPROPRIATE HONORFICS.]
no subject
[He knew that, obviously. It's part of what's made him so determined not to act so much like himself when he's around her - because she's such a good kid. He's looked at her and seen the things that seem bright, the same sort of blinding goodness that he's seen in his little brother, but she's different. Jyushimatsu is stronger than the sum of Ichimatsu; he doesn't need anyone's protection. And as good a kid as Ren is, Ichimatsu is sure that she doesn't need his, either; she must have so many people far better suited for the job looking out for her already. Good people attract that sort of want in others.]
[But, she likes cats. Sometimes she feels like she needs a safe place to hide. Sometimes she's felt ghosts, and maybe she's spent some time in a lonely place. He doesn't know for sure; he's only picked up a few things. But in the end, if it's true, those are things Ichimatsu can understand.]
[Mostly, he'd be worried about her ending up like him. That would be something worth protecting her from, something more insidious than murder-monkeys or ghosts. But she touches his hand again and he stares down at her tiny fingers, and he knows there's no way that'd ever happen. She'd never end up down that path.]
[She's just too good.]
[And like Jyushimatsu, like Ren, good people see the dying flickers of good in others that no one else would ever bother looking for. Good kids are always reaching out, always coming to find you, just because maybe you were nice to them a few times. It's such a waste, he can't help thinking, uncurling his tail to let it withdraw back beneath his sweater. It would be so much better for all the good people in the world to just put themselves ahead of others for once. But he knows they never will.]
[So, maybe... he's a little bit glad for this after all.]
[If she's going to reach out to people like him no matter what, then Ichimatsu doesn't mind being one of them.]
[A bit shakily, he reaches his other hand over and rests it atop hers in turn, a crooked smile winding across his mouth. He's utterly embarrassed by the physical contact, and his heart nearly stills in his chest when he registers the honorific attached to his name. A red tint furiously washes over his face, and he gives a low, rumbling chuckle that shakes him down to his stomach.]
[Why is he letting her sit here, reassuring him?]
... don't thank me. You're the one doing me a favor, remember?
...
Sometimes... even if you have someone else... e-even if you have cats... you feel lonely anyway, right? Has that ever happened to you, Ren-chan?
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Because it's warm here. It's fun. There are hands grabbing her whenever she feels cold and scared and lonely. There are people and cats and elves and giant mice and kind rabbits scattered across the island at any given second. There's a man who lets her wear sunglasses, a kind elf that braids flowers in her hair, a child that holds her hand around weird glowing pools, a brave girl that understands what it means to miss a cat, and above it all, a cat that indulges her every whim. That sits with her. That talks with her. That lets her hold his friends and tells her stories about his brothers whenever she asks.
When she looks at all them, remembers them, she doesn't need to remember that she's dying because for once, she's so happy to be alive. Her heart pounds too fast because she's playing tag with pokemon, not because she's going to pass out. She's tired at night because she spent all day being around others, not because her disease is catching up to her.
So when he asks that question, her smile doesn't falter, but there's definitely something in her expression that softens in a sad way. Because the loneliest she ever felt wasn't when the children had died, wasn't when the world became completely empty and her life was in the hands of a bitter ghost trying to make it emptier.
It was when Seto found out about her illness. When he stopped listening to her. When he became driven and focused on finding a relief for her that she knew was only temporary no matter how many bottles they found. When he stopped smiling at her. When he was sitting right by her side, but he wasn't there at all.]
It was always that way before-
['Do you think I'm going to die soon?']
Before Seto. It was that way. Every day.
[Wandering around the empty houses, sleeping around piles of broken glass from pictures of families she's only ever read about in picture books.]
Before coming here, it was like that. I was-
[Lonely. Scared. Anxious. Worried. Words she could normally share easily with a cat, and yet she finds herself stumbling and instead-]
I'm very happy now. Because of Murasaki-chan it's not like that anymore.
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[Heh.]
[At his worst, Ichimatsu is a jealous and vindictive man. He's the sort of vile person who interrupts happy couples for existing in the same vicinity as him; the kind of guy who whispers curses under his breath at his own brother for daring to project more confidence than he himself is capable of. It would be easy to imagine that, inevitably, he'll lose to Seto - to some guy he's never even met. He'll come for her, and she'll forget all about Ichimatsu, and she'll be so much better off.]
[It would be easy, but for once in his worthless life, Ichimatsu isn't jealous at all.]
[Because maybe she's felt the way he has before, sunk in an unidentified loneliness. Where there might be someone within reach, but still so far away, as if they're not real and never were - as if surrounded by ghosts. That's been his whole life, and he hates the idea that it might have been hers. So if it isn't anymore...]
[He's happy for her. He really is, Ichimatsu realizes with a slow burn of warmth, picking up her hand between his. If she's not lonely that way anymore, then he doesn't care who it is helping her. It doesn't matter if it's Seto or if it's... if it's...]
... me, huh... ?
[It doesn't matter, as long as she's happy now. But it feels nice to be told that.]
[ESP Kitty yawns widely in Ren's lap, kneading his paws against her legs before curling up sleepily. If she allows him to, Ichimatsu gently guides her hand down to ESP's head.]
Well, that's good. But he'll keep you company now, too.
... and... listen.
[Ichimatsu's gaze lingers on the cat for a few seconds. Then he finally looks up at Ren again, his expression softening. He doesn't think she'll end up like him. But, just in case...]
If you do ever feel that way again - lonely, even though you don't have any real reason... that's fine, too. It happens sometimes. Just remember that it isn't true.
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Maybe people didn't speak enough in her world.
His voice fills her with a feeling she can't pinpoint. It makes her not want to let go of his hand, at first, because she can't manage to speak. Can't express her gratitude at every single word that tumbles out of his mouth. In her world, she could've shared this feeling with him and she tries to will it towards him. Knowing it's pointless and yet-
Don't feel like you have to be alone all the time and You should not be alone and Just remember that it isn't true and-
For once, she can believe them all. She doesn't have to be because of all the people around her. Because of the cat in her lap. Because of person in front of her that radiates kindness in overwhelming waves. And a part of her realizes-
It happens sometimes
It's because he knows what that's like too. Can understand how it aches out of nowhere, even when you're playing a game of tag or doodling cats on the side of rocks. He gets it.
And she can't muster up a single word to show her appreciation for any of it. She doesn't know how, outside of petting the purring animal in her lap, keeping his friend as content as possible.]
That's right. That kind of thing-it isn't like that anymore.
[It won't be like that ever again. It can't be like that ever again.]
That's how it is now
[People who dole out new clothes and friendly cats and tasty fish. That's how it can be for Seto. How it can be for her, for awhile longer.]
Your heart is-
[Something she can't see and yet, she doesn't need that clarity to know-to say these next two, dumb words with absolute confidence.]
Very pretty.
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very pretty.]
[...]
[She's wrong. Ichimatsu knows it intimately: his heart is fragile, easily battered, but it's not pretty at all. It's thorned and edged with glass and hidden under horrible things. But somewhere along the way, he's convinced her of something different, and a part of him can't help but wonder what that means.]
[Did he trick a sheltered, innocent girl into thinking he's a decent person? Or is there something in him he can't see?]
[... it doesn't matter. Because this isn't about him. He doesn't want it to be about him. Ren is young and even though she looks fragile herself, she must have a whole life ahead of her. Maybe with Seto, whenever the bastard shows up. If Ichimatsu can help steer her towards something better than the future he's allotted for himself, then that's all that he'll ask for.]
[If he can help keep her from being lonely -- even if it's just to teach her that sometimes, you can't help it, and that's fine -- then maybe there's someone in this world whose life he really did impact for the better.]
[His heart is pretty. He replays the words in his head again. And he realizes with a slow start and a swallow that sticks in his throat how close he is to crying.]
[But Ichimatsu, even though he's trash, isn't the kind of trash who'll cry in front of little girls. He shakes his head suddenly, trying to dispel the heavy cloak of emotion, and smiles at Ren with as much serene confidence as he's capable of mustering.]
[She thinks his heart is pretty? It must be easy to think things like that, when you're a good person. Ichimatsu is willing to bet that Seto's heart -- it must be beautiful.]
Ren-chan's is prettier.
She loves cats, after all.
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It's the first time she can accept those words without question and she doesn't need to hold his hand to feel a warmth that surges through her entire body.
Even if something is wrong with her-something bad that makes her heart want to stop beating or beat too fast-it doesn't matter because Murasaki saw something pretty in it. She always wondered why she was pushed away from the project, even though she didn't want to be a part of it to begin with. She assumed they saw something bad in it-in her. Something that didn't work, that needed fixed, that couldn't be useful, that wasn't warm enough, that could only be useful as a last resort for someone who wanted to hurt others, but-
Her heart is still pretty to a cat. If he can see something in her-the her that existed before her body was altered with pills and tests. Maybe the her that exists despite that, that's enough to make her smile.
Cats would know, is all she thinks. They saw a pretty heart in Seto too and that's something she could never argue with.]
Thank you.
[It doesn't express the extent of how she feels from his kind words and it feels lacking, even as they come out of her mouth.
And maybe-
She leans forward, one hand pressing onto ESP kitty's back to keep him in place on her lap, while the other reaches for the top of Ichimatsu's head. If she's allowed to, she's going to pet him. Because that's how you show cats you love them. And right now, she wants to give him a few little head pats.]
You're a good boy, Murasaki-chan.
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[She keeps -- saying these things. How he has a pretty heart or he's a good boy, and it hurts to hear because of how nice it feels, like cool water running over scorched skin. It's hard, because he has to keep reminding himself that it's not true. He knows exactly every way he is lacking in what good people like Ren think of him.]
[If she were Jyushimatsu, he'd be correcting her right now. That's the only real difference he can discern between them; in the quality of their kindness. That there's something in Ren's... even the self-proclaimed unburnable garbage Ichimatsu won't defy. Because Jyushimatsu's kindness is a wall, an impenetrable wall with a door that only swings outwards. Ren's is -- something different.]
[A window, maybe; facing the sun. His harsh words won't bounce back. He wouldn't dare throw them.]
[So she reaches out for him, and his eyes fall to the ground shyly, his shoulders and head drawing down. It might look like he's shrinking from her touch at first, but he leans towards her, so she doesn't have to reach so far -- and the moment her palm brushes against his head, two ash-gray ears spring up from his hair, flicking playfully in her direction. It's embarrassing... but... she likes it, doesn't she? So he doesn't mind.]
[He doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything. Maybe she can hear the soft rumble moving through his chest, almost like a purr.]
[Ichimatsu doesn't have much merit as a person -- but cats have their own ways of admitting their love.]
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She's so happy.
He trusts her. His days of kitty denial are over, though he stopped arguing the point long ago. The gentle purr makes her feel secure enough to shut her eyes, following suit with a quiet hum of her own.
It's safe here. It's safe with him. She doesn't have to worry about a creature sneaking up on them because the purr is a barrier that's going to keep dangerous monsters at bay. Her hum can be the backup that protects him. She can relax-scratch his little gray ears with one hand and pet ESP kitty with other.
Because right now, nothing can hurt her. Nothing can hurt them. They're safe in this little bubble they've created on the grassy hillside where they normally play. Where they spend time looking out into the ocean and whistling with little pieces of grass until the sky gets dark.
And maybe today, they can do this instead. She can spend the afternoon protected by this feeling and quietly hope it's washing over him as well.]